As the end of this month nears...I find myself looking back in an attempt to enumerate..to evaluate..to attach to it a letter grade. It's been very long..it's been much too short. Time has passed forever slowly..and - yet - it's flown right by. It's been too hot..too cold..too grey and rainy. It's been too overcast..or too glaringly bright.
Truth is - I don't know.
At the start of it - I set an intention. I failed. Or - I succeeded. Or - I'm not sure which. I promised myself the gift of 30-days away from the rituals and routines and obligations of my every day. I promised myself space..and quiet..and time to explore and simply 'be'. It was a gentle offering to myself. A gift. A pause between the poses....a time to rest and restore and renew...to re-generate and re-create. A much-needed break from my daily practice.
It began overfilled with possibility. Imagine - what I might do with this new found time and space? Imagine all that I might accomplish? Imagine all that I might create?
Soon thereafter - I descended into a spinning..spiralling...free fall. As if I'd jumped prematurely and then rather unexpectedly found myself without any brakes. Somewhere in the middle of that flight - I let myself go. Exhilarating - yes. Terrifying - you bet.
It had been so long that I've been doing what I do..that I'd forgotten what it was like to not. And - I wasn't sure I liked it. One small voice was reminding me of my intention. It was reminding me that I don't quit. Whatever I start... I finish. No matter how miserable or grueling. It's what I do. I get through. And then another was telling me that it's okay to give-up and give-in. That I'm now a grown woman. I can reverse directions. I can change my mind. I can do whatever it is I want and need to do.
I'm sure there may have been unseen benefits to staying with it. But by the end of the first 10 days - I thought I'd found what I'd been looking for. It became so obvious...so clear. Why hadn't I seen it before?
I do what I do because it's a part of me. Like eating and breathing and sleeping. I do what I do because it fills and grounds me. I do what I do because - I've inadvertently and unexpectedly fallen in love with the process. Not for the outcome's sake...but for what it offers. Every day.
So - here I am. Wondering....looking for answers to my questions.
When balancing precariously..only one foot on the floor - am I resting the leg that's lifted..or strenghtening the one that's rooted to the ground beneath? Is what we see only a function of the way we choose to see it? Is the cup half full...or is it forever and always - half empty? Was this month's changed mind and direction - a failure or a success?
Truth is - there's no one else who's going to answer these questions.
Truth is - I'm the only one who knows.