Perhaps it is clarity that I'm seeking. About looking inwards at myself and my daily habits and behaviors ...and gaining greater insight and understanding. Or perhaps - the decision to do what I'm doing - has more to do with the questions to which I've been seeking answers.
What - in my life am I holding on to? And - what in my life needs to be let go?
It was to that that I decided to experiment with a cleanse...a simple change in routine. To eliminate from my daily life diet..to change something - ever so slightly - to uncover and discover something different..something new.
Thirty days - I promised. Nothing to lose..and so much to gain. It's never about what one actually does..but how it is that one does it. If there was a conscious intention - it was that. To look and see and observe. How and what it is that I do what I do..and why?
It always begins - doesn't it? - with the excitement of different and new. Of taking on a challenge. Of experimenting. Of not quite knowing where this new path might eventually lead. An adventure..of sorts. One on which I was embarking without having to leave the comfort and safety of my home.
Day 1 - I rolled out my magical metaphorical mat..and began.
Day 3 - and I started to question the wisdom of my decision. Remind me again - I found myself asking. Why? I was feeling that resistance..missing my old habits..my old routines. What if I broke this promise I'd made only to myself? If I quit - will I proclaim myself a failure? Or - will my quitting be a victory in some sort of strange disguise?
A promise is a promise. It's one I made to my own worst enemy..my harshest critic..and my very best friend. To me..and myself..and I.
Days 4 and 5 - I settled in. Resigned..re-committed..re-focused. I'm not a quitter. Not now. Not never. Not I. I was beginning - or so I thought - to enjoy this new routine. There was a new found sense of freedom..of autonomy..of knowing that the choice I was making - was all mine.
Day 7 - here I still am.
I'm learning. Change - whether by choice or by circumstance - is hard..and necessary..and good. There are parts of my practicing communally and with others that I do miss. The camaraderie. The conversations. The feeling - perhaps - that we are a part of something greater than ourselves..and that collectively we might just change the world. I'm missing being led..being told exactly what it is that I should do - how and what and when.
And - it's exactly that..that I'm not. Instead of listening to the words and voices of others..instead of following another's directives..I'm beginning to hear a voice that's all my own. I'm begining to feel - more for myself - what's right..and what's not. I'm beginning to trust. Hard to believe it's taken me this long.
My patterns - how I think..how I react..how I am - are becoming clearer every day.
If I don't make it to the end of this self-imposed commitment? If I give-up and give-in? It will be a conscious decision and choice - neither victory or defeat. It will be with a new-found self-awareness.
Or perhaps - it's always been right there. What I know. Inside me. Waiting only for me to uncover..to discover..to find.
It's just a small daily adjustment..a tiny shift in perspective..and yet - so profound.