Begin Again

I awake to the morning. Not yet light…but no longer dark. And I think – just this once – it would be so good to simply pull those covers up and over my head..to wish that world away. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is right. Nothing is just simply nothing.

Finally..and at last – it’s that spring on which I’ve been waiting. It makes no sense. I’ve soldiered my way thru the cold dark winter…only to find myself stuck here  in this new day.

Without direction.

A little unsure.

A lot uncertain.

Soft around those edges that were once so sharp and clear.

Just when I thought I’d figured it all out..I’ve come to realize that I haven’t. I really haven’t. There are no answers...only questions. What has kept me grounded and glued to this ground for so long..is no longer. The kids grown. The work in hiatus. A whole world of possibility awaiting…doors wide open. And yet – here I am. In the same place..in the same bed with the same man sleeping next to me…waking to the same morning I’ve awoken to for so many years.

And yet  – it’s different.

I worry.

About my grown children..and if and how they’ll make it in this brave new world. About my mother..and her health. About the state of the economy…the wars being fought overseas..the miners who died in the coal mines..the suffering in Haiti..the homeless person who I see walking down the street.

I wonder.

About how I’m going to recreate myself…who I’m going to be…what…and always when. When will I know that I’ve arrived in this place..at this destination that remains one foggy mystery?

I think.

About the future..about the past…and not about this moment and this day.

Bravely – I pull myself out of that safe but somewhat dark morning space to greet this new day. My eyes blink to meet the world..and the world winks right back at me.  As if acknowledging… of gently telling me that it understands. The rain is gently falling..enveloping me in its mist. The air is cool and damp. The birds are filling the silence with their habitual morning song. The trees whose branches have been stripped bare by winter’s bite are returning to their green glory by the kiss of first spring. It is a time of re-growth..re-birth..re-newal.  Perhaps -  it is as simple as that?

If only..it were that easy. To one day wake up and find onself anew?

Still fuzzy and lacking clarity and direction. Still unsure. Pushing  my way thru this muck and mire. Still not knowing – who..or what..or where.

Within the silence I find comfort …. a bit of certainty in all of this uncertainty and pain. Hard winter has melted into soft spring. A quiet whisper. An emerging. The ground that’s carried me for so many years..still sits solid and secure beneath me. I walk. I breathe. I get lost in the hazey splendor. The world rests and remains the same. Only I emerge – a new person..on this new day.

Whatever rises..falls.

This too…shall pass.

I return time after time..day after day.

And tomorrow – I’ll  rise to greet the sun and begin again.