I said NO.
NO - to something I thought I wanted..that I'd been working towards..that I believed was the right next step. NO - to an opportunity. NO - to a possibility. NO - to a something to which I should have..would have..could have so easily said - YES..YES.
But - when it came time to commit to that YES...what I heard myself say was - NO..NO..NO. Not here. Not this. Not now. Not today.
I swallowed hard and wondered - why? While the universe continues to remind me to fear less..to do more..to believe..to trust..to jump - I said stop. I said NO.
Leap fearlessly..and that magical net will appear.
For a moment - I rested. I let my mind and my body grow quiet and still. I listened. To the sound of my breath..to my heart beating. I listened to what I want and need. I peeked my head over the edge of that precipice and looked at what I was seeing. I can - I decided. And - I will. But not this. Not now. Not today.
Look before you leap.
A lifetime of saying yes to whatever everyone and anyone offers up to me..to following the road so well-travelled. I was...I am...I forever will be - that good girl. I aim to please. I try harder. If yes is what is expected...then YES - it will be.
But this time - I said NO.
It's such a small little word. Two little letters. One N followed by an O. Two powerful little alphabetic symbols that when strung together spell N-O. NO.
Maybe it was fear speaking? Or - perhaps it was resistance? Or maybe..just maybe - it was the wisdom that's been promised to come with experience and age? Maybe it's this growing and knowing and understanding and accepting? Maybe it's knowing where your heart lies? Yes - maybe - it's just that...and maybe it's much much more.
I closed a door.
When one door closes..another opens.
Somehow - I expected to feel sadness..to feel regret..to feel apologetic for my unprecedented decision and choice. This good little girl does what's expected..and what's expected is always - YES.
But instead - I felt a surprising surge of new energy. I felt strong and confident and powerful and free. Quite suddenly - everywhere I looked - was vast and empty space with only new and endless possibility to fill it. For the first time - I listened to me.
As this week of gratitude begins..I find myself with so much for which to be truly grateful. For family..for friends. For good health. For the food on my table and the roof over my head. For the sun that rises each and every new day.
And today - I'm forever grateful for a one intangible gift that too often goes un-noticed and un-said. And that is the gift of this age. Of growing older with strength and ever-increasing self-awareness..with wisdom and grace...with forgiveness and acceptance..with compassion ..and always - with love.
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Cross-posted at Vision and Verb - where a collaborative of like-minded women share their passion for creativity and the written word.